I find happiness in their intoxication.
In their muddled minds turned to mush
That finally see me as one of them.
I become less invisible
As if in this loss of clarity
I am clearer
Because let’s face it,
I was never clear in the first place.
Maybe I’m still not
But instead of being me
I am now just another face at the party
And
The more the merrier
Right?
It’s sad to think that
The only time I ever belong
Is when we all have the same taste on our tongue
But this is the only time we ever seem
To have anything in common.
I don’t like that I find happiness
In their intoxication
But when I am suddenly inside
What always looked like home
Instead of watching the window glow
From the outside,
I feel so warm.
Tangled up in embraces
And cheek kisses
And laughter
And dances
To songs where we all know the lyrics,
I find happiness in their intoxication.
But maybe that’s why it’s toxic.
Because their appreciation isn’t real.
And when the rain stops carrying
The love that they give,
I am left with only clouds
Dotted across a blue sky to remind me
Of my own muddled mind,
Thinking that I could ever be one of them
Outside of their intoxication.
But perhaps a home filled with
Liquid dry throats and bitter tastes
Is not home at all
And the warmth
That seeps from the crack beneath the door
Is only their hot
Toxic breath
Filling the air.
Perhaps I’m better off out here
Where the blood in my veins can stay clean.
Perhaps if it were purple they’d see me
But I don’t think I need to be seen.
I know I am visible
To those whose blood is the same colour as mine
And I shouldn’t wish for anything else.
We can be invisible together
Filling our own world
With our own warmth.
Because unlike the others,
We don’t need to be intoxicated
To dance.
Lauren Kathleen 